Memento Mori: Entry #1

 May 30, 2013

BETWEEN ME AND THE WORLD

ENTRY #1: And it’s All Gone

  

            It’s amazing for me to see things that were written at the end of last year and beginning of this year. A lot of miscellaneous writings some filled with despair and loneliness but to my surprise a lot were littered with random dreams, goals and aspirations. My bi-polar dreams of a better life, taking me from the most northern regions of Santa Rosa, California- a city I just fell in love with the minute I stepped foot on its soil-to a East Coast journey all the way to NY where I was plan to write and teach and build an eco-friendly bar right below the very loft I live in. I want to see my name in print, bold print with my name or some pseudo-moniker I decided to write under. Doesn’t matter, so long as it’s me and it’s mine. Things were going to happen for me this year and all the scattered puzzle pieces of me were going to finally fit together, I wanted so badly to be whole. I’m 32; I’ve never been in one piece and as I like to say, “Hell, I’d like to try it at least once!” They say if you wan to make God laugh, tell him your plans. My everything has been pulled from beneath me-imagine the magician’s trick where he pulls the table cloth from beneath a beautifully decorated table, laced with fine pieces of china and delicate crystal wine glasses and genteel old-fashioned plates trimmed with 14k gold that are family heirlooms laid next to meticulously polished spoons, forks and knives-past from generation to generation. However, instead of the trick going according to plan, the magician pulls the table cloth and it all comes crashing down to the floor. Every single, delicate item on that table destroyed. I feel as if each of those items represented a single dream, a wish, my desires and longings deep from within my soul, no one else. I didn’t pull the table cloth, there was a violent tug but it didn’t come from me. Matters not, what’s left is laid out on the floor in broken pieces of once symbolic items now lay unrecognizable. Precious glass now garbage on the fucking floor, another mess that needs to be cleaned up. AGAIN. I’m tired of trying to pick up myself up and start over. What have I done in this life that is so awful?  It becomes tiresome for me when I have to suffer the consequences, for example, standing up for myself. Then sadly, I look to my left and glance to my right and see women figures standing idle in the shadows with their index fingers raised to their lips urging me to “hush”. It is that image that stays at the forefront of my mind and I just can not be that way. I guess I will continue to suffer at the price my own protection. I’m tired of fighting. I pray for peace of mind. Will I have the strength to rebuild even the idea of those hopes and dreams? I don’t know. I’ve lost everything. I try to find what’s left of my dignity through the wreckage like washed up marine debris. Nothing is left. No one is left. It’s only me on this ledge, teetering, do I let go and take the plunge or slowly back away, surrender and let life enroll me in the dull, mundane-day to day task endured by the hopeless and live life without desires??

Would You..

“I wonder, if one day, will my heart stop beating on its own-not from old age but because its grown tired from being broken”
                                    -Dark Muse

And I used to wonder, when I die

Would you be right by my side?

To catch my last breath on my last sigh.

And when you speak my name,

Would it be my air in your lungs that

carry my essence of forever on your tongue.

Each syllable, each sound?
Would you taste me as I was, not as I am now? Gone.

Would it make you cry, knowing the reason I had to die?

To make my forever apart of you,
the vapor of my soul slithering throughout your empty void

Fulfilling all the empty spaces within your heartless soul.

And would it make you cry, every time your heart beats

You feel mine breaking, as it did-time after time.

An eternity of what use to be my own pain,

My precious heartache eternally encased within your very bones.
The sweetest revenge for me to apprehend; your body, your heart and your mind.

For you were my sin that left me broken, when you loved me then left me to die.

You said it, I heard you,” I love you”. But you lied,

And with every “I love you” pieces of me decayed with my every cry.

You broke my heart; I had to let love go.

And when I died, you were right by my side

To catch my last breath as I let out my last sigh.

But now I wonder,

Would it make you cry knowing the reason that I died

Was to gift you all of me: my love, my heart, my soul and my life eternally

You took me for granted, but I will never give up.

For now you will see the reason I gave you all of me
So you can live a ife with love and not so selfishly.

Suffocating Heart

This body was ours

This skin doesn’t feel like my own

Your touch is ice cold

Not the same as it was anymore

The venom has numbed my soul

Dark thoughts ravage my brain

Sometimes I want to hurt you

But you never cared enough to feel the pain

My heart is suffocating again

How did this suffering begin?

My will is broken

My love is bound

But I’d rather die than to have you around

Life, once intertwined with yours

My blood flowed through your veins

Slain by your words when you said

Someone else has taken my place

I am caught dying inside what use to be your sweet embrace

My heart is suffocating again

How did this suffering begin?

My will is broken

My love is bound

But I’d rather die than to have you around

Heartache, engaged in my own rage

Too sickened by love

Too stricken by pain

Trapped in the thought, “There’s no me without you”

You lied to me when you spoke of forever

This is pitiful

My heart is suffocating again

Drowning within your sin

My will is broken

My love is bound

But I’d rather die than to have you around!

Yearning to reach inside and rip out your beating heart

And feed to you what’s missing from me

Tasting of my very misery

This skin is not mine, the sacrafice of me for you

A bid farewell, a finally goodbye

You never cared; I’ve always known-suffocating heart asphyxiated by you no more

Rhymes With Hate

***SMALL DISCLAIMER HERE**KINDA GRAPHIC

..Here we go
To eliminate all the present debate, whether or not my feelings for you have abate
I took the time, to write this rhyme and express my feelings of HATE

The present disaster that is your life leaves me with no desire to be your wife
The very thought of you, I do detest
But to wield a knife upon your chest is what I desire to do at best.
But if you happen to endeavor and the largest artery doesn’t sever
Fear not former lover, it will all go according to plan.
For there’s a full itinerary just for you involving shiny, steel tools and utensils I will use to dispense a flood of pure pain upon my former man.
Are you beginning to fret?? For your face is a sweat, I think I can hear your heart flutter, and your words are all a stutter- O’ How kind of you to think I may do something I’ll regret!!
Don’t worry your sweet head; soon you will be dead and your head a trophy of my prize possession at last, a frozen face of fear and stains of dried blood, sweat and tears-show the achievement on my dead skin mask
My violent achievement requires no bereavement
Ever after, Matrimonial bliss left a taste of stale piss and I will make sure you realize you are responsible for this.
There’s no amount of harm I can inflict to equal the amount of disappoint and distain or the trail you left me with such financial and emotional strain.
I will bring you harm, and physical pain! It appeases the need for me to see up close and personally
Shock and shear terror while I indulge in your flesh...O’ THE SMELL YOUR DEATH while I begin an acid drip intravenously!
If you can’t understand my master plan, I will do my best to explain the way I can’t wait the day until I am able to say, “I’m over you, literally ‘cause I’m standing on your grave!”
If that was too much and you may have misread, let me feed you something you can digest easily instead…

H: is HATE pulled deep from my soul, which boils over like white-hot brimstone
A: is for AGONY and the amazing applauds, a standing ovation I will receive once people realize that you’re gone
T: is for TORTURE just try me and see!! Loose hanging bowels and a noose just for you, purposely fitted perfectly over a tree, the last family photo of me with your lifeless body.
E: is for EVER which is how you will burn!! You’re indebted to me and you chose with your life, corruption of my sweet innocence over powered by HATE and since you made the mistake that this was my FATE…DEBT PAID MUTHERFUCKER!!-With your life a past tense, I’m released of your grip or any hold you may have had lingering. Just like my feelings, my hate has too abated and from out of these ashes, my wings have been born –still tattered and torn but I refuse to be another victim suffering from a lost soul.



**Let me set this up and explain myself for this particular piece. It’s very dark, yes and slightly gruesome (it could’ve been way worse!). Its one-part anger...ok its two-part anger, one-part liberation of self and the rest is sprinkled with a hint “figuratively” speaking. Having gone through Hell and back and everything in between but still with that there’s solace in the fact that he’s buried and so was that “hateful” side of her. She’s been reborn (in tragedy that are his “ashes”) but will find her strength and have the ability to heal with time.

Just Thinkin'

(It’s becoming seemingly hard to find comfort, sometimes; in anyway you search for it. If it was once there or existed, it was only for a nano-second. I tire of hurting in a torrent of harmonious nightmares: a dull agony of damned-emotional pain and an eternity of physical torture. A match made in Hell. I am breaking down. I wish I didn’t have the ability to cry or maybe to inhere the inability to feel. The sight of the top is lost, once again. I’m back home and no matter how long you’ve dwelt or resided at The Rock Bottom Inn, the welcome back here becomes more bitter than sweet.. I was just thinking)

I was just thinking…

Of a life without worries or woes
A perfect life pictured with perpetual highs, minus the lows.
I’m thinkin’ of me with the ultimate body, healthy as can be
With my ideal man, adoring and catering, who would die if he didn’t have me.
I’m thinkin’ of four little brown-skinned babies, 2 boys and 2 girls with hazel eyes and dark hair all in curls.
I’m thinkin’ of a house with a yard strewn in the most spectacular shades of green.
The greenest, greenery you’ve ever seen and when you lay your eyes upon it, it’s almost boasting.
The front porch stands strong and proud and hugs the structure of the house as if it’s confronting you, “You dare try and break me down?!!”
All the while, inside the core, life is moving and when I’m here I can’t hurt anymore.
I’m thinkin’ of happiness, I’m thinkin’ faith and I’m thinkin’ non-stop for a plan before I lose my place.
Because
I’m thinkin’ I’m beginning to lose my mind
I’m thinkin’ I’ve known this isn’t a statement, it’s a fact and the truth has been evident for sometime.
I’m back in black
It suits me well
Darks running rampant, a place Color fears
Make believe and fairytales don’t survive down here.
All that glitters isn’t gold but you can find happiness
For the price of one’s soul.
I’m thinkin’ I’m learning and speaking the truth
I’ve been here the longest; I got here while in my youth.
I speak from experience and disgrace.
I speak from love and from hate.
I feel your tears and can taste my own.
My ups and my downs, laced with knowledge profound.
I’m thinkin’ and weeping, I’ve been here too long.
I’m thinking it’s about time for my journey to move on.

Yours Truly, L

And I want to feel you become apart of me

Two become one, perfectly meshed in a cliché of a fairytale fantasy, we go

Touch me baby, everywhere you could possibly

But

I need to mean more to you than just another chicken-head or a hoe.

Because

The love you and I could make will make this earth quake, rattle and shake

I wanna feel you slide deep inside of me; my body, my mind, my soul and my dreams

A taste of my ecstasy, to become an addiction you never want to break

And if you were my man, I would never say, “No”.

But

You need to know

A meaningless anything type fling just ain’t me

And baby, if you’re only looking for a quick fuck, stick it in for just a few pumps or a blowjob down on both knees

Then, by all please, I’ll leave

Let you be

Move on to the next girl-

A cascade of moment-less hoe-hopping experiences

If that’s what you desire, rather than me

And know

My arms will be the only thing that’s wide open for anyone other than you

And no,

I’m not going to wait forever but the idea of me and you together is haunting.

‘Cause I know what I feel and I know this is real, as real as the day you and I played keep away on your couch that night.

Remember?

It was any excuse just to let you touch me, or shyly brush your hands along the curves of my body-paying close attention to the parts I’d blush to mention.

Yea baby, you do just that to me

And it’s hard to maintain at the very mention of your name sends chills rippling through my entire being

Each syllable that belongs to you, I take a few just for me-just to see how our names would be, if I take what’s mine and share with you.

Your last name after Michelle seems so beautiful

Shit, a girl can dream, can’t she?

Is this all moving to fast for you?

Let me slow up, and turn down these lights for a spell

For now we will leave Michelle a separate entity

But don’t leave her alone too long

For someone else might snatch her up

And become her new cocoa-tinted fantasy.

P.s. So now that you know, I’m curious to what you have to say, my feelings may be hurt for a second and that’s okay because, I just may not appease to you simply, in that kinda way. But, it’s been hiding inside my heart for so long and the sweet release of sacrificing me, bearing my soul to another is a weight lifted off these shoulders like you will never know. Am I in like? Am I in lust? Or will I be Yours Truly, forever inundated in Love? Guess you’ll just have to find out…..

May 13, 2011

May 13, 2011: I’ve been gone for a while, dwelling in the darkness. There have been more lows than highs but that’s okay. I’m finding my way back to what makes me happy, to what keeps me sane. I’m growing up and realizing that what matters in life most is me. I took me and all and all my awesome qualities for granted, because I have nothing to give but myself but for some of you that’s not enough. Then I was bombarded with self-worthlessness because for some of you my very existence is enough to piss you off and I sank into a hole. My ability to reason was thrown off and there’s no way I can justify the “Why’s” of the whole situation. Why they hate me so much when all I am is here? Why do they degrade me, belittle and insult me?  Why do they want to keep me down and submissive? Why does that make them smile? Why wasn’t I the chosen one? Why am I still waiting for approval when I know I will never get it? Why am I surprised? Why does it hurt as if it were the very first ‘Why’? These last 3 months have been trying, testing my will and I will be the first to say that I failed the test. It’s been a series of unfortunate events, where some situations are more laughable than others. I have thee worlds worst and most spoiled puppy. I need her to be Dog Whisperer’d-Where is Mr. Milan when you need him (he ought to have a signal we can shine into the sky like Batman did) . She’s single handedly destroyed my apartment and furniture. Though I was never a fan of the tan couch and matching tan lazy boy chair, I’m even less of a fan now that they both have big, gapping holes in them so big I can hide a toddler in it, both with their plush-cottony insides exposed for the entire world to see. She’s eaten the walls, pulled up the carpet, destroyed patio furniture, feather pillows and still all I can do is love her…and thwack the fuck out of her with a rolled up newspaper. She’s so good at being Cujo’s  number one apprentice she will even put herself on time out or go to bed early with no supper.  That right there is unspeakable dog training at it’s finest. Let’s couple that with personal and professional turmoil and what you have is Michelle, crying like a baby for the past three months and popping an unfathomable amount of pills and drinking an ocean amount of beer but unlike Chucky Sheen, I am not winning. I have to pick myself up from here. Here is 50ft below rock bottom and I don’t see a light anymore. I have to pick myself up from here because here is a lonely existence. Everyone is gone and no, I’m not looking for anyone but me down here. Here is where I am at in life, here is what I can give and here is where I’ve decided that if you can’t accept me here, if you can’t help me get from here, then you aren’t privileged to be with me, anywhere.